Words to Live By

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid it will never begin.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

An Oldie But a Goodie...

Welcome to Bawstin For those of you who have never been to "Bawstin", this is a good guideline. I hope you will consider coming to "Beantown" in the near future. For those who call New England home, this is just plain great! Information on Boston and the surrounding area: There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical "oddah": Arlington , Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees, (e.g., Walnut, Chester, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley. Massachusetts Avenue is Mass Ave. Commonwealth Avenue is Comm. Ave. South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South end. East Boston is Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P. How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly: **Say it wrong, be shunned** Worcester : Wuhsta (or Wistah) Gloucester : Glawsta Leicester : Lesta Woburn : Wooban Dedham : Dedim (like denim w/ a D in the N space) Revere : Re-vee-ah Quincy : Quinzee Tewksbury : Tooks berry Leominster : Lemon-sta Peabody : Peabuddy Waltham : Walth-ham Chatham : Chattum Definitions: Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't. If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is CLUB SODA. "Pop" is Dad. When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER. The smallest beer is a pint. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod. It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah. It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel. It's not a spucky it's a sub. It's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage. It's not a purse; it's a pockabook. They're not franks; they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France. Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a "crooza". If you take the bus, you are on the "looza crooza". It's not a rubber band, it's an elastic. It's not a traffic circle, it's a rotary. "Going to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket. If something's good, it's "pissa". If something's really good, it's "wicked pissa". The Pat's = The Patriots The Sox = The Red Sox The C's = The Celtics The B's = The Bruins Things not to do: Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd ... they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville). Don't sleep in the Common. (Boston Common) Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day. Things you should know: There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each). The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the wetha: "Solid blue, clear view...." "Flashing blue, clouds due...." "Solid red, rain ahead...." "Flashing red, snow instead...." - (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out) Route 128 is also I-95 south. It's also I-93 north. The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T", and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk). Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer. Bostonians... think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic. Bostonians...think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's). Bostonians...think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave. Bostonians...refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting." Bostonians...always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green and oncoming traffic always expects it. Bostonians...say everything in town is "a five-minute walk." (Pronounced "wok") Bostonians...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness. Bostonians...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm. Bostonians...think Rhode Island and NJ accents are annoying! NU YAWK faans ah poor loozas.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Here is what management really have behind their desks to evaluate your skills and mistakes.

Monthly Overall Work Evaluation
Name: _____________________ Date: _______________ _____________________________________________________ KNOWLEDGE:__ Really knows what he's doing. __ Knows just enough to be dangerous. __ Only half a brain and is dangerous. __ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q. _____________________________________________________ ACCURACY: __ Does excellent work is not preoccupied. __ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers. __ Must take off shoes to count above ten. __ What's a number? _____________________________________________________ ATTITUDE: __ Extremely co-operative. __ Brown noser in good standing. __ Often annoys co-workers and fights. __ Doesn't care, never did, never will. _____________________________________________________ RELIABILE:__ Works so hard he gets extra days off. __ Very dependable. __ Rely on his being first one out the door. __ Absolutely totally worthless. _____________________________________________________ APPEARANCE: __ Extremely neat and clean. __ Looks great on his day off. __ Flies take him over fresh manure. __ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly. _____________________________________________________ PERFORMANCE: __ Works hard if money is involved. __ Does great work--at evaluation time. __ Works well after ten cups of coffee. __ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma. _____________________________________________________ LEADERSHIP: __ Carries chainsaw and gets good results. __ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust. __ One time some listened to him whine. __ Unable to lead even the most ignorant. _____________________________________________________ I understand that I have been counseled and understand my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat, and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies. _______________________________________ Employee signature

Monday, January 29, 2007


Dear Staff: Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company. ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Office. Have a nice day. Human Resources Dept.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Shopping at Fry's

The other day, I went to Fry’s with our crazy neighbor, Kramer. (he prefers this name to “Leaky”, and he really is crazy.) Kramer needed to pick up a few things, and I needed ciggies. We are in the check-out line, talking to each other, joking, etc. I walked to customer service to get aforementioned ciggies, and when I came back the woman at the register, who both Kramer and I had been talking to, asked me if I knew Kramer – after I took his bag of groceries! Hmmm…let me think – no, I don’t know him; I just want his frozen omelettes! I’m an omelette thief running rampant in the city of Peoria! I should explain that Kramer is the self-appointed “Mayor” of Fry’s Food & Drug. Yes, he’s a bit off, but he’s ok. Everyone in the store knows him. He talks to everyone, and he is there every day. I don’t know why the cashier didn’t know I was with him. We were talking together, and to her, and then I said, “I’m going to customer service, I’ll be right back.” Did that not indicate that I was coming back to meet him at the register? Would a complete stranger say that? Or possibly an omelette thief? No, I think maybe an omelette thief would have snuck up on him and grabbed the bag. There was no grabbing on my part. I picked up the bag and said, “Let’s roll in the Buick”. No self-respecting omelette thief would invite their prey into the getaway car! So, it seems to me that Fry’s needs to raise the bar when it comes to hiring cashiers. I had an issue with another cashier last night; Billy G. What a piece of work! But that’s another blog altogether!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Microwave-Killing Sponges

When I got home from work last night there was an acrid smell in our house. I said "What is that smell?" my husband didn't know. I thought, "Hmmm, it can't possibly be my chicken & dumplings in the crock pot." It wasn't. I started my investigation in the kitchen, and was looking for the sponge to clean up the mess in front of the coffee maker (multi-tasking, again!). I asked hubby if he threw away the sponge (which he sometimes does if he feels we've used it long enough). He said, "It's in the microwave." So, I opened the microwave and found a tiny little, crusty ashen sponge. It was about 1/4 it's original size, and stuck to the turntable. And there it was: the origin of that awful smell! It seems that yesterday my dear husband heard on the news that to disinfect your kitchen sponge, you need to put it in the microwave for 2 minutes. So he decided to do just that. Keep in mind, he is nearly deaf and cannot hear the beeps when you press the buttons on the microwave. Add to that: the digital display had just gone out, so he had no way of knowing exactly how long he put the sponge in for. After pressing START, he retired to the garage. We think he put the sponge in for 20 minutes instead of 2. I told him that in the future, if he wanted to be Mr. Clean, he would first need to shave his head. Now all we need is a new microwave, because the sponge killed it!

Here's a link to a CNN.com story. Apparently, hubby wasn't the only one! http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/01/24/germs.sponges.reut/index.html